I have been feeling rather down lately... I'm not used to people pushing me to do things which I hate to do... People keep telling "shift Fifah, shift..." Move on and you'll be able to get it... I'm soo used to be in my comfort zone that I realize, I am playing safe again in this game called life... Then I remembered something which keeps me going in life and play hard in life...


I have never wanted to move away from my comfort zone because I am scared, afraid and frighten by the thought of risking... RISK-ing is such a big word for me... What's risk? At the back of my mind I have 1001 considerations going on... I'm mental masturbating in mind... Keep thinking, analyzing and procrastinating... Sometimes I wonder, why can't I just go along with the flow and stop thinking for a moment and relax... I was feeling lethargic, exhausted, drained-out and no life... But I am in the state of denial saying that "no, I'm not feeling lethargic, exhausted and drained out, thinking is good and analyzing things is good so everything will go as we plan."


Many a time I want things to be planned so everything will be prim and proper. No hiccups in life... Sounds very promising in life to me... However, the more I keep denying that I am not drained out, that I am not feeling lethargic, the more it got worse of me... I was being very pretentious... What's the point of living in life pretending when I know that I am not going anywhere... So I decided to stop everything that has been weighing on my shoulder and took 5 days off...


The first day of my life I was still very much mental masturbating... That's me... Still being very reserved to myself and not opening up to people... Keep telling myself that I will do it tomorrow and when tomorrow comes nothing is being done as well... I procrastinate a lot in my life, keep on waiting and waiting and waiting... I told myself that if I keep on procrastinating, I'll do nothing much in my life... NOTHING!


The second day of my life I was letting loose a bit... Not so much of mental masturbating and decided to leave 1/4 of my brain at home so I don't have to think/analyze things too much... In life, I tend to judge people, criticize people by the way they dress or the way they behave be it at home or in public or even things which makes me jealous... I'll be denying myself if I said that I have not criticized my friends or family... I'm no angelic myself... STOP PRETENDING I told myself that...


In life, I tend to break agreements and promises... When I told someone that I will call back, I never did, when I say I'll be there by a certain time, I never did... This shows up a lot in my life on how I keep my promises... Do I really want to keep my promises it is all up to me... It's my choice but do I want to cheat or make people wait for me? I rather not... So where am I standing in life now? A cheater, someone who is not committed to call back/be on time for a date or outing? It never came across in my mind that by doing that I am sending a message saying that he/she who is waiting for me is not important at all ... Why? Because I only think about myself... I have never bothered to think about others... Let them wait - so what? That's how I was in my life... A pretentious angelic with god-damn 'high' self-centered... It hit me hard, really hard that I fall to tears... All the people who is around me is being affected... I never realize.. How self centered I was...


The third day of my life came... Decided to leave 3/4 of my brain at home... Too much of thinking and analyzing is boring now... I just went with the flow of the game called life... I have always wanted to win big in life... WINNING is such a successful word and that people will look up to me as someone who is capable of doing things and beat others down flat... YAY! right? But NO! Again I was being self-centered... All I want is to win and others fail... Why have that such thought Fifah? I asked myself... Why? Where in life have I ever want people to win except me? I thought, that's ridiculous... Why win for others when I myself can win for myself? See! being self-centered again... What the fuck Fifah? Have you ever thought of winning together with others? That I can share the joy, happiness and enthusiasm together with people around me? STOP and feel... How do I want people around me to feel that I myself will want them to feel? I want people to feel proud, high self-esteem, confidence and walk with their heads high up... Again, it never came to me that if other people win in life, I win too... Because of my commitment to want them to feel proud, high self-esteem and confidence shows through my actions not words... It takes a lot of courage and risk to make people win because not all will want to move out from their comfort zone... Whatever it is, it's a matter on possibilities around others and me...


The fourth day of my life came.... Brain - totally left at home... I asked myself how's that possible not bringing my brain along? Think of the possibilities - I told myself...
I always get distracted when things that I really want to do doesn't turn out to be what it is... In return, I got affected the whole day... Feeling moody, angry and people around me will feel hurt by my actions and words that came out from my mouth...


Everytime when I am faced with a difficult situation... I just refuse to shift... I will just stick to the same situation feeling bad and do nothing about it... Why stay in the same situation when I can move and make a difference to other things? I have never thought I could make a difference in other things because I only see myself making no difference... In life, I have choices... It all depends on me... If I choose to do nothing, it is also a choice... Again, in life I let my emotions be affected by the situation that I have faced earlier be it good or bad and when I move to someone else, my mood will affect the other people be it good or bad... It hit me hard that everything I do affect people one way or another... I may not see it but people will feel it... Choice is a great tool in life... Everything I do is the choice I choose to take...


The fifth day of my life came... Everything that I needed to know has been revealed through this 4 days of my life... I was glad that I stop and look at my life for a moment and decided to take time off my busy schedule... Not so long but 5 days is good enough for me to reflect on my life... What I have been questioning myself have been answered... Last but not least on the fifth day of my life, I realize that I have always said things like "see I told you", "I was right wasn't I", "Whatever!" or "Wah Lau Eh!"... Because I am ALWAYS right!! I have never wanted to let others point of view to be right than mine... A lot of time in my life I do that...


I'm glad that I have these 5 days spent to stop and look at my own life... Really glad I had... Because I know the future is ahead of me and I want to make the difference in others and myself... Others win, I win...